Paperwork's done...now what?

Our home study is finally complete and we have the approval letter from Illinois DCFS, which only took about 2 or 3 weeks; not bad.

This means that our Haiti dossier is complete, and since Scott is now 35, we officially qualify for a child referral.

Of course, things in Haiti are still in limbo.  We don't yet know how adoptions will continue in Haiti, and our agency is being cautiously optimistic.  They have advised families who don't yet have a referral (that is, who haven't been officially matched with a specific Haitian child) to hold off on paying any large adoption-related fees for a few weeks, until we know when all the Hague changes are going to happen, and what kind of grandfather-clause they will create for families already in the process.

Please keep praying for us, but more especially for the children in Haiti!

Haiti and the Hague Convention

If you're not adopting internationally, you may never have heard of the Hague Convention. Basically, it's a set of rules and guidelines that many countries have agreed to abide by when handling international adoptions - designed to try to prevent child trafficking and ensure ethical adoptions, etc.

Most people think the Hague is a good thing in principle, and a good number of countries have signed on. And apparently Haiti ratified the Hague Convention yesterday.

This may not be as good of a thing as it was intended to be. Haiti now has only 90 days to rework their processes, their ministries, their infrastructure - EVERYTHING - to match Hague requirements. Apparently it took the United States something like 14 years to become Hague compliant. Many other countries have closed down their international adoptions for a year or two while they figure out how to get their procedures lined up with what the Hague requires. And a number of people in the adoption community - naturally - worry that Haiti isn't logistically ready to comply with all the Hague rules, and will therefore have to shut down international adoptions too. Obviously, this would be a pretty big negative for a lot of children in orphanages right now, even though it's intended to be a positive in the long run.

We don't really know how this will affect US families in the adoption process, like us. Our home study is more or less complete, as is the rest of our paperwork, but none of our paperwork is actually IN Haiti yet. We're at the point where we would either be referred a child or two (and have to pay a massive amount of money), or else we'd wait for a referral that is appropriate for our family. At this point, though, we don't know when that might happen, or if it will happen at all. It sounds to me like we'll be waiting in limbo for at least a couple months to see how Haiti handles all this.

Please pray for this situation: for our family and others who are trying to adopt Haitian children, for the government officials and orphanage staff who will have to navigate this transition, and of course, for the children in Haiti who are waiting for families. Thanks!

Adoption update

The last piece of paperwork finally arrived! For an international adoption, we are required to get child abuse clearances from every state we've lived in as an adult; for me, that includes Arizona, which quoted me 8-10 weeks (to get them to check a box saying that no, there are no records of me abusing children there).

It came today, a month earlier than expected! We also had our home visit today, so now our social worker will be able to actually write up our home study and submit it to the Illinois authorities (who, she warned us, may take up to 2 months to approve it). Our dossier paperwork has already been sent to our Haiti placing agency.

In big-picture terms, this means that we don't have a darn thing more we can do for this adoption now except try to save up some money and wait. This also means that we're probably on schedule for getting our dossier to Haiti on or around Scott's 35th birthday (mid-June), which is the earliest they will accept us anyway. We are tentatively expecting to get a referral for our child(ren) sometime this summer, and then hopefully bring them home sometime next summer. Still a long road ahead!

more theological questions

So we just tackled the whole "animals in heaven" thing.

Today, thanks in part to our church's "Journey to the Cross" program (which I really appreciate every year; thanks, Melissa!) I got a couple more problems.

On the way home, we were talking again about why Jesus had to die. In discussing the concept of sin, and the fact that every person except Jesus is/was a sinner, Miles pauses for a second. Then he says, "What about Juliet? She can't even TALK yet!"

Ummm...how to explain sin nature to a five year old?

Fortunately, I had a comeback, albeit a little facetious in nature! After a moment, I said, "But Juliet sins too, right? Doesn't she hit you sometimes? And she bit you this morning!" HA! I know this is evading the question, but it got the point across that even babies can be sinners, even if I happen to know that a baby's hitting/biting probably doesn't qualify as sinful behavior. Judge me, ye who have a better explanation!

A few minutes later, Miles pipes up again. "The bad king (meaning Nebuchadnezzar) wanted to make people worship him, but DANIEL only worshipped God. But WE have two gods: the God who created everything and the God who is Jesus. Which one did Daniel worship?"

Trinity explanations for five-year-olds? Is there a website?

I kept having thoughts of how to explain...and then kept remembering that each of my bad analogies was related to some important but deadly heresy I must have studied 15 years ago. I resorted to the non-explanation of "Well, they're both God, and they're both the same God. Jesus was the same God who created everything." I didn't bring up the Spirit at all.

Then Miles asks, "What about Nazareth?" This takes me a while to decipher, but I eventually figure out he means LAZARUS (hey, YOU say those two words next to each other - pretty confusing!) "Is Lazarus God too? He rose from the dead."

Hey, this one is way easier. "Remember, Lazarus didn't raise himself from the dead. Jesus is the only man who can do that, because he is the only one who is God."

At this point, I guess Miles was satisfied. Then Eleanor joins in the fray, adding "Yeah, when I'm grown up I'm going to die on the cross with Jesus!"

Ummm...OK, I'm not sure where this came from. I guess if we tell her she will go to heaven to be with Jesus, it might be logical that she also needs to die like/with him? Anyway, I assured her that she would die, like everybody, but probably not on a cross.

I'm ready for Scott to be home.

A morning of strange comments

Today, as I was picking the kids up from the childcare at my gym, a young African-American girl (probably about 6-7 years old) stared in disbelief as Eleanor yelled, "Mommy!" and ran up and hugged me.

She said, "THAT's your daughter?"

I said, "yep!"

And again, "THAT can't be your daughter!"

Again, I reply, "Well, but she IS my daughter!"

She tries once more: "HOW can YOU have a BLACK daughter???!!!"

I'm tired and not in the mood for a long discussion, so I summarize: "She is my adopted daughter! So she is black and I am white, and we don't look the same, but she is still my daughter."

The girl didn't seem mean-spirited; she was just apparently old enough to have a clue that biologically, Eleanor and I didn't line up, and not experienced enough to have ever met other families like ours, I'm guessing. Anyway, chalk one up for new adoption-comment experiences for me!

On the walk home from the gym, we see a dog. After a comment from Miles that the dog looks like Elmer, and where is Elmer now? Living with David and Gina still, I answer. And where is OUR dog now? Oh, honey, she died when you were still little, before Eleanor was even born.

But he has to push the issue. "So is she up in the sky with Jesus now?" I hedge: well, not in the sky; Jesus is everywhere. He's not satisfied. "Is Dagmar in heaven now?"

Sigh. I try to give the truth, as I understand it, as gently as possible: "I don't know where Dagmar is now, but I know that God made all the animals, including Dagmar and all the other dogs and cats, and that he loves them all and he will take care of them."

Eleanor cheerfully concludes, "So when I die, I can go be with her!" OK, we'll table this discussion for another time; we don't have any pets so it shouldn't come up anytime soon, right?

Finally, when we're almost home, we walk by a total stranger, an African-American woman who comments over her shoulder to us, "Hey, I have three more at home if you want 'em!"

Um? .....OK, I didn't have to respond; she was going the other way. I did have to explain to the kids that it was a joke, and we didn't really have three more brothers and sisters waiting for them. At least, not soon...

Athlete in the family

Since it was, yet again, a lovely spring day, Miles and I went for a jog this afternoon. He's been asking to accompany me, and since I'm pretty slow for an adult, I figured he could probably match pace pretty well. I think we'll let him join me next time I sign up for a 5k.

Recall from my earlier posts: I don't mean a "run". I do indeed mean a "jog": a slow shuffle barely faster than walking; probably in the 12 minute mile range.

But I just checked my map, and we went 3.4 miles, only pausing at the occasional traffic signal. That's pretty far for a five year old, and for his leg length, a pretty decent pace. I'm very proud of him! A few times on the way home, he'd suggest stopping to sit on a bench, or say he hoped a light would be red so we could stop. But no complaining, and he had no problem "towing" me up hills or "sprinting" so we could make it across a street before the light turned red.

We played games counting squirrels and birds and American flags, and just chatted about this and that - it was easily the most enjoyable run of that length I've had. He's good company!

The only down side - and this was actually kind of cute - is that he wants to hold my hand the whole way. Which messes up my rhythm and feels a bit awkward, so I tried to talk him into just holding hands as we crossed streets and not on the in-between bits.

A good day

I feel like I complain a lot on this blog, so, in contrast, I wanted to share about the lovely, almost-perfect day I had:

I woke up before my alarm clock and had some quiet time, and got the oatmeal started. Then woke up the cheerful children, who LOVE oatmeal. Score one! I finished Eleanor's last three braids at breakfast while we listened to Suzuki melodies, Irish fiddle tunes, and the orchestral excerpts from the "Jack and the Beanstalk" show at the CSO we'll be taking the kids to on Saturday. Miles helped me get all the beads on her braids - he loves making "padruns" (patterns) on the little plastic beader tools.

We made it out the door on time to CBS (and I actually finished my whole study on time); today the preschool kids had what Miles grandiosely termed their "show" for the moms. It involved marching in, reciting a Bible verse or two, and singing a couple songs. Eleanor was front and center, holding the sign for her group. Miles stood on the far end and rather in the back, not smiling and not looking at the audience...but he knew every word and every hand gesture.

We came home, after virtuously NOT stopping for fast food even though it is always lunchtime and we're hungry on the drive home Thursdays. Leftover pigs-in-blankets inspired no complaints (gross, right?) and Eleanor went to nap early, saying that she was super tired. Then Compliant Cheerful Miles (as opposed to his alter egos, Oversensitive Miles, Hyper Distracted Miles, and Angry Rebellious Miles) and I did some subtraction homework (working on borrowing) and had a very good violin practice session. I went upstairs to get some stuff accomplished while he read and practiced more in his room.

A bit later, when I came downstairs, he showed me the pile of paper he had made for me: "It just kept printing out, mom, so I put it here on the table for you." Thanks, hon; those are our taxes, done at last! He then asked me to do more violin with him, so we did that until Nora woke up.

The kids played nicely (I let them walk around barefoot in the rain out back) while I cleaned up a bit, and then we all loaded into the stroller to jog/walk to the gym. I surprised them by stopping at the park on the way and getting out a favorite dinner: homemade "Lunchables"! (That's what they call it when I give them a variety of crackers, meats, and cheeses, and tell them it's a meal instead of a snack.) They showed off a bit on the monkey bars, then we headed to the gym for some kickboxing fun. Where, incidentally, I got complimented on Nora's hair, and I quote, "Pretty good for a white girl!" High praise indeed, people.

After a relaxing twilight walk home, the kids got PJs on and we read a devotional book and the short "I Love You" book I used to read them as babies...then bed with (almost) no complaining!

To top the whole day off, I remembered that I had one beautiful sea salt caramel in my purse (from CBS), and that I had already tracked it in my food journal, so I HAD to eat it now!

OK, God, now how do I repeat this day?

how do mothers accomplish ANYTHING?

OK, so I had a beautifully empty day on my calendar. I envisioned myself working out, doing meaningful special together-time projects with the kids, cooking something that doesn't involve following directions on a box, learning my Bach, and re-styling Eleanor's hair, which is getting fuzzy and dilapidated (don't want to be the bad white mama now!) And now it's 9:30, I'm exhausted, and I can't figure out what I did all day. So I'm trying to estimate:

Getting dressed and ready to go: 5 minutes
Cooking/cleanup/dishes/feeding children: about 2.5 hours total
feeding/changing/actively playing with baby: about 2 hours
Workout at gym: 1 hour
jogging to/from gym with kids: 1 hour
shower: 20 minutes
working on "school" type stuff with kids: 45 minutes
trying unsuccessfully to get violinist to focus: 30 minutes
gardening/seed planting project with kids: 20 minutes
Adoption paperwork: 30 minutes
working on CBS study: 30 minutes
braiding Eleanor's hair: 2 hours
writing down what I ate: 15 minutes
breaking up fights/arbitrating/sending kids to time out: 45 minutes
blogging: 10 minutes

reading: zero
watching TV: zero
playing video games: zero
working on thesis: zero
laundry: zero
cleaning bathrooms: zero
learning my music for rehearsal Friday: zero

That adds up to about 13 hours I think, and I've been awake since 7:30, so we're missing an hour in there somewhere. Maybe that's my problem: the missing hour. Actually, that probably involved answering emails, taking a few phone calls, and politely telling the two Mormon "elders" that I was too busy to chat. Is waking up earlier really my only option for clean clothes, clean bathrooms, finishing my degree, and not getting fired from my music gigs?

a couple notes

This morning:

Eleanor, squealing in mostly-fake terror: "Mommy, there's a spider in my room!"

I look. I see no spider, nor anything else crawling.

Miles, in his bossy big-brother way: "Count the legs. If it has 8 legs, it's a spider. If it has no legs, it's...uh...a fuzz. Or a hair."

Eleanor: "Ummmm....it has two antennae and five legs!"

Miles, disparagingly: "Then it's the fan. That's the only thing that has five legs."

I would like to include some Juliet anecdotes here, but so far she mostly just sits, cheerful and grinning at us while she eats her fingers or perhaps a shoe. She is working on creeping, but so far only manages to go backwards, and gets very annoyed about it.

Still zero luck on solid food with her. For a couple weeks, we tried just sticking chunks of whatever we were eating (that was not a baby-taboo food, that is) onto her tray. Every single time, she throws up. So the doctor suggested we try very liquidy rice cereal for several weeks. She does the usual baby tongue-thrust thing and doesn't eat that either. And yes, if it gets too far back in her throat, she starts retching again. I guess it's possible that she just isn't ready for solid food yet, but she's 7 1/2 months old, so that's a little unusual. I'm beginning to wonder if there could be something with her tongue or throat that's shaped weird and triggering her gag reflex too easily. We'll give the rice cereal a couple more weeks, and then bug the doctor again. She is taking in plenty of formula, at least, and can finally hold her own bottle - yay!

Miles: first violin solo recital!

Miles has now been playing violin for five months (he started when he turned five - it was his birthday present), and today he had his first solo recital. And he really rocked it! He takes a private lesson once a week and is also in the weekly group beginner class. And I have to take a moment to brag, since this IS my blog, and bragging is kind of what blogs are for sometimes: although he is the youngest in the class AND started the most recently (everyone else started in August, at the beginning of the school year), he was the only one who got to play TWO songs at recital (and he was playing the most advanced rep of the beginners). He'll be playing a few songs with the "intermediate" group (mostly 7-10 year olds, it looks like) at the upcoming April group recital, and probably moving up to join them in a few more months.

Here he is! OK, I have no idea what's up with the leg-thing he's doing in the first song - maybe that's the way his nerves express themselves? But he did a nice job, and his pitch is not too painful for a beginning string player!



Yes, he was forced to wear the outfit, and complained about having to dress up. He wanted to wear pajamas. To borrow a phrase from my mom's friend Kaye, "Oh well!"

A joke no one else will think is funny

Today, on this lovely spring-like afternoon, I went for a jog and took Miles with me on his bike. On the way home, he was complaining about a very loud car, and I took on the Daddy role briefly and explained about mufflers. I felt rather proud of myself.

A few blocks later, a van screeched to a halt, brakes squealing. I explained that that car probably needed new brakes, and that was why it sounded like that.

Miles answered, "Yeah, it sounds JUST like macaroni cooking in a pot!" Um...?

It took me a second, but I got it. And now I will explain it to you:

We have a magnetic induction cooktop (which, incidentally, I LOVE when it's not being repaired). When a pot of water is boiling, and steam is escaping between the lid and pot, because of the magnetic vibrations it makes this very high-pitched metal-on-metal squeal until you reach over and adjust the lid.

Precisely like a van in need of a brake job.

So yes, Miles, that guy's brakes did sound like cooking macaroni.

Not measuring up

The other day I was noticing, not for the first time, that African-American women don't appear in public without being pretty put-together. This is a trait I admire, but a habit I've failed to develop myself. This is a generalization, but for the most part,

Black women:

- have their hair styled

Emily:

- a ponytail IS a style, right?

Black women:

- have their fingernails long and manicured

Emily:

- only bites hers when watching movies. Mostly.

Black women:

- wear make-up, and often have really awesome skin underneath it.

Emily:

- makes it a goal to put on mascara on days she leaves the house.

Black women:

- wear not-insignificant amounts of jewelry

Emily:

- a couple years ago made a resolution to try to look more put-together. This involves trying to remember to wear earrings most of the time.

Black women:

- accessorize in other ways (scarves, designer purses, belts, hats, etc.)

Emily:

- see previous. Have not worn a belt since high school. A scarf is for keeping my neck warm outdoors. And of course I own a purse, or maybe it's a diaper bag. More than one would involve shuffling my stuff back and forth, and I'm too lazy for that.

Black women:

- wear clothes with labels. Today, one of my Muslim friends (a very modest woman) was jogging in her headscarf on the treadmill, and Miles read her butt aloud: "Love Pink". I told her she was corrupting my son by advertising on her rear.

Emily:

- wears workout clothes with labels. Sometimes they say Old Navy.

Black women:

- wear shoes that are an important part of their outfits (a couple ladies at my gym have gym shoes in 10 or 12 colors, to go with each outfit)

Emily:

- wears shoes that are comfortable and flat. Buys multiple pairs of the same shoe when she finds one she likes.

Hmm.

You see, when I think of accessorizing, in my mind that's something as simple as putting on a bra. After all, if I can go to the grocery store without it, then it counts as an accessory (and therefore optional) in my book. So shoes are not an accessory, but by that definition, a bra is.

Sigh. Yet another way in which I'm not the ideal cultural role model for my children...the question is, do I care enough to invest the effort into changing this rather than working to change something else about myself (perhaps something with deeper moral or spiritual significance?)

We'll see, but the exit polls are showing a slim chance at best.

Jumping back on the bandwagon

Adopting AGAIN?

Are we crazy? Are we trying to get our own TV show? Or have we somehow failed to notice the 6-month-old in the next bedroom?

No, no, and definitely no. But there's a short version and a long meandering version here. Let's start with the short, simple one today:

Last week, we submitted our pre-application to adopt again, this time from Haiti! The international process will probably take close to 18 months, so that's why we're starting so early (and in case you're wondering, I cannot imagine having an additional child right now...but we are pretty confident we do want another, and we would like for Juliet to have someone within 2 years of her age, hence...this plan).

We’re hoping to adopt siblings – if things go smoothly (which they won't, since nothing is totally predictable in adoption) we’re guessing we would be bringing them home in summer 2013, so when Miles is 6 1/2 , Eleanor is 5, and Juliet is 2, we’d be bringing home a 3-4 year old and a 1-year-old, or something roughly like that. That’s the ideal anyway, but we’ll just see how it goes; kids don't come made-to-order to fit OUR needs, so we want to be open to as many variables as possible, including the age of the children. The one thing we will probably not flex on is the maximum age; Miles is adamant that he does NOT want an older sibling, and I've read enough about adopting out of birth order that I believe displacing him as the oldest would be pretty traumatic and cause a lot of sibling resentment. So that limits us to kids under age 6 (in 2013, that is).

For those of you curious about adoption, here's a few facts:

Unlike many countries, because of the poverty and recent disasters in Haiti, there are more children in need than families waiting to adopt them, which is pretty heart-wrenching. In terms of a time frame, our home study will probably take 3-4 months. The home study is the process where you submit a whole bunch of paperwork - financial data, medical histories, criminal background checks, etc. - to a US adoption agency, get interviewed by them, and then finally they do actually check your home (mostly to make sure you do have a bedroom for the child you want to adopt, you don't leave guns or household poisons lying around, you do actually have heat and running water, etc.) Then they write a home study, which is the document that certifies you have been approved by a licensed agency to adopt. It's a whole lot of paperwork and time to net you four pages of paper.

After that, we send our dossier (lots MORE paperwork, including annoying stuff like certified notarized stamped original birth certificates for everyone in the family) to Haiti. This will probably happen in mid-June, when Scott turns 35 and we are finally old enough to qualify; Haiti has some pretty stringent rules about who they accept as adoptive parents, though it's apparently quite possible to get a waiver for some of them, since otherwise almost no one would be allowed to adopt from there).

And then we will probably get our child referrals pretty quickly, probably within a month or two (a referral is when you get assigned a child, sent photos and medical/social information, and you have to accept the referral and commit to that child or else turn it down and ask for a different one). And then it’s about a 12 month wait (estimated) to go through all the court process, paperwork, immigration, etc. until you actually bring your child(ren) home. One nice thing about Haiti is that it’s so close, we can fly there to visit “our” kids once we have a referral. They have a guest house where you can live with your adopted children and get to know each other, etc; that’s pretty cool.

So that's the short version. If you'd like to know more about adoption in general or about our journey in particular, I always LOVE to talk about my favorite subject!

Juliet's adoption is complete!

Hooray!

This morning we had our adoption court hearing in Salt Lake City. We flew out last night (fussy teething baby plus late night wasn't a great combination) and flew home this afternoon, so it was a whirlwind trip.

Here I am with Juliet in her Adoption dress (aka Christmas dress, I know. I figured I put enough work into it that she better wear it at least once more,'cause it's getting short.)



And adoption court was pretty...um...uneventful. I won't say boring or pointless (though I might think it), because after all, adding this little girl to our lives is a wonderful gift, and we treasure her. But some of the paperwork and legal hoops feel less like treasures, and "rituals" not being particularly important to my personality type, this one felt like rather a bother.

To clarify: many of the adoption court judges in Salt Lake City will waive the requirement for an out-of-state family to appear at their adoption finalization. We drew a fairly new judge, though, and he required us to show up in person with the baby, in order to answer a few earth-shatteringly vital questions like, "Are you married to the man sitting next to you?", "Have you seen this document before? Is that your signature on it?", and "Do you realize that this child will have the same rights as any biological children?" (to which, with an inward eye-roll, I wanted to reply, "um, of COURSE...that's the whole point why we're here!") I confined myself to a polite series of yesses, though, thank you very much!

Here we are in the courtroom with the man I grew to think of, not precisely as Evil Judge, but perhaps as Nitpicky Judge (who was a very nice and kind man who probably cares deeply about the welfare of children, which is why he wanted to see us in person to make sure we're not meth addicts or involved in child buying or something).



Our lawyer (whom we'd never spoken with before) did a fine job, as he ought to for $200/hour or whatever it is we paid him.

And we received an entirely unexpected blessing, too. The adoption agency sent a representative (as apparently they are required to do). After we were finished and waiting for copies of our paperwork, this woman told us that her youngest adopted son was Juliet's double-first-cousin! Jules' birthmom is a twin, and her twin sister had placed her son for adoption five years previously.

This was just so thrilling to me! We have a closed adoption with Juliet (not by our preference), so we do not have any contact with any of her birth family, though if they ever choose to look for us, we've told the agency to please give them our contact info. So while Miles and Eleanor will grow up able to email/call/Facebook/visit with with their birthmothers and even a few other birth relatives, Juliet will likely not have this option. This cousin may be the only relative she would have the option of meeting. And I call him a double-first-cousin because not only are their mothers twins, their fathers (the boyfriends of the respective twins) are apparently also brothers.

AND this adoption worker, bless her heart, brought us copies of a number of photos of her son, of Jamie (Juliet's birthmom) and Jasmine (Marcus' birthmom) with baby Marcus, AND of a young Malasha, Jamie's older daughter and Juliet's full sister, whom she may also never get to meet.

I am getting teary just writing about this, but the thoughtfulness of this other adoptive mother really blessed me, and I hope I can do the same for someone someday. What a gift: the gift of family, of origins, of a biological connection to someone. Juliet may never desire that, may never care; I know some adopted children don't. But I am so grateful to have this to share with her just in case she does!

unwelcome surprise

It's been a bit of a rough week. First, I hurt my back working out on Tuesday (not seriously injured, just stressed/sore/strained muscles), so going up stairs or bending over to pick up anything at all has been challenging. Also on Tuesday, our stove died, right in the middle of a massive amount of freezer cooking. So now I have a fridge full of chopped vegetables and raw chicken, and I have no way to make the appropriate sauces to complete the dishes. The replacement part is ordered, but will take a week to get here.

Incidentally, do you know how hard it is to come up with a non-cereal breakfast without a stove? Eggs...no. Pancakes..no. Oatmeal...no. I know many of those have a baked version, but that takes a lot more time to cook and plan-ahead-ability. And most of my go-to quickie dinners also involve the stove. Macaroni and cheese? Pasta with some kind of sauce and sauteed veggies? Stir-fry with rice? Even breakfast-for-dinner? All out.

So today, I've been icing my back and lying on the sofa as much as possible, which isn't as much as I'd like. The kids are playing quietly downstairs (always a bad sign, I know). Juliet wakes up and I head downstairs to see...this.



"Mommy, we knew you weren't feeling well, so we made ourselves sandwiches! And we made you one. Smashed cheese!"

Eleanor adds, "Yes, peanut-butter and cheese!"

Miles: "There's a BIG glob of peanut butter on the floor. But we put it on a towel!"

Thanks, guys.

Here is Miles' sandwich:



It's basically crumbled cheese with about a fourth of a cup of Miracle Whip Light. A closer look:



Eleanor's may look better at first glance, but believe me, it's not.



She apparently opened my new jar of peanut butter, and slathered it on. No jam, nothing but a THIRD OF A JAR of peanut butter! I kid you not, this sandwich is an inch and a half thick. Did she eat it? Well, she started to. I think she got full after about 3 bites. So she says, "It's OK, I'll save it for Daddy!" So we did.

Trying to figure out my daughter

I know that all parents have that, "What on earth is my child thinking? Why is he acting this way? I just don't understand!" reaction fairly often. And while I know all children are little mysteries, my older daughter sometimes is more of a mystery to me than I would like.

I typically find myself describing her as "stubborn" or "a little strong-willed", and while that is accurate, it does not fully describe the aspect of her personality I can't figure out. Here is a prime example:

Last night we were playing a family game of Uno. Both kids enjoy it, and while Eleanor needs a bit of prompting, matching the colors or numbers is well within her grasp at this point. But the game goes sort of like this:

"OK, Eleanor, it's a blue 2. Do you have a blue card?" (since she can't hold all her cards, they're sitting on the table, making it pretty easy to help her out.)

She smirks, hides her cards in her lap for a moment, and pulls out a green card! She knows perfectly well it's green, but chooses it anyway.

Several times, she figured out an appropriate card to play by herself. Once, she played it in the right place...but upside down. Once, she played it on top of the deck we draw from. Once, she tried to play it but hide it under some other cards in the stack. Once, she tried to play two (appropriate) cards.

She loves playing Wild cards, and whacks them down with gusto. But when we ask, "What color do you want it to be?" she won't ever say a color. She clams up, and eventually will hold out a card from her hand and wave it at us, and we say, "OK, Eleanor picks yellow" or whatever.

She likes to deal, but after going around the circle adding cards once, she wants to switch directions. Then she wants to start in a different spot.

She wants to play. She even likes to win (though she doesn't at all mind losing). She does not want to quit...but she doesn't want to follow the social "rules" of appropriate behavior when playing a game. In linguistics, we'd maybe say that she is flouting the maxim of cooperation, or that she does not understand or care about the pragmatics of the situation.

The Uno example is just kind of cute and silly, but it really exemplifies her behavior in all areas of life. Basically, she does not ever want to cooperate or do what she's "supposed" to do. Why on earth not? This is so unlike me, my spouse, and my older son that I'm not sure how to handle it.

Often, like in an Uno game, it's not important enough to need to "handle". But envision this kind of reaction - not quite rebelling but definitely not obeying - every time you ask her to do anything: put away your toys, stop sitting on your baby sister, hold hands while crossing the street, tell me what sound that letter makes, be respectful to your babysitter. Sometimes reverse psychology does work on her, and sometimes bribery or threats work. But sometimes nothing does. And I don't want to resort to bribery or threats; eventually, shouldn't pleasing mom/dad/teacher/friends/God be a reward in itself? The intrinsic societal and spiritual reward of cooperation and obedience? (I know, I know; this is my natural people-pleaser personality talking.)

So what IS this behavior? Yes, she's three and a half; I don't expect perfection, but I also know a whole lot of other three year olds. The compliant ones tend to cooperate, the strong-willed ones will throw tantrums when thwarted. Is this being passive aggressive? Is this just a different kind of strong-willed behavior? Is she just trying to be cute, or creative? Does she just want extra attention?

I should note that I haven't noticed this behavior much when she's playing with other kids, or at least when she's playing with Miles. I also don't see it as much in class situations; she seems to listen to and more or less follow directions in gymnastics, in Sunday School, and in swimming (though it's possible her teachers might disagree with me here!) But with authority figures whom she knows well - mom, dad, grandparents, babysitters, etc. - it appears pretty regularly. Is that because she knows those people well and is comfortable with them?

And most important of all, how do I teach a child like this? How can I encourage her to obey, to cooperate? I pray that her stubbornness and creativity will turn into assets for her as she grows up; I know they can be great strengths if she learns how to harness them. But a child who does not respect authority or any kind of convention is not going to be well-liked or successful in life.

Being a "trailblazer", going her own way, being unconventional - those describe choices we make as adults that can be great life decisions. But somehow, I have to teach my daughter to function in society without society crushing her before she reaches adulthood, because a lifetime spent in time-outs and detentions and being held back a grade and being avoided by other children just cannot be good for her psyche no matter how independent-minded she is.

Advice welcome!